Life Is But A Brief Candle

Today while at Cheng Meng, father received news that the second son of our Sultan had passed away. He was only 54.

In our culture, and heck, I'm sure for people of all cultures all around the world, it's not good for a parent to ever bury their child. It must be heart breaking to see the child you've cared and loved for and see them grow into an adult being laid to rest in the ground.

People can just suddenly die without any warning. You don't have to be old to die. You can be 16 and sick and just leave. You can be 3 months old and just loose your life. Suddenly, I feel like life is too short to hold any grudges or to be filled with hate. We'd only be wasting our time.

Our lives are short and precious. Fill it with the things that make you happy and don't hate. I may be a teenager, but I've hated before, for so long till there was a time I was depressed. But now that I've let go of that hate, I've been so much happier.

I've heard of a story that went like this.

A teacher prepared lots of potatoes for the kids in her class one day, and told each of them to carry a bag of potatoes the entire day and not let go. Confused, the kids did as she said.

At the end of the day, they were all exhausted from the weight of the potatoes they carried for so long. Smiling, the teacher explained. "The potatoes represent the hate you have for someone. Like that sack of potatoes hate carries a heavy weight. You get tired from carrying that weight for so long that at the end of the day, you're the one who gets dragged down."

Why give that person or thing the satisfaction of hating it when we are the ones who suffer then? We will carry the weight of that hate and unhappiness with us till the day we let it go.

Time and again, life has proven to be far too short. Maybe it's time we re-examined our priorities, and maybe then we can live life to the fullest.

Love & Hate

I've read quite a number of times that if you have love, you'll definitely have hate, and that the line between them is so fine that sometimes you can't differentiate between the both of them.

Sometimes you love someone so much, but suddenly they do something that hurts you or pisses you off so badly, and you find yourself hating them. You feel like you can and want to hurt them in every possible way, and you feel like you'll never love them again.

Sometimes you say 'I hate you' to them, sometimes you tell them that they'll never mean anything to you ever again. Sometimes you tell them you wish they were gone, and sometimes you wish you never knew them or you were never related to them.

People do stupid things all the time, and sometimes it's right to get pissed off at them, sometimes it's all right to hate them. But you hate them for hurting you or making you mad because you love them. If someone you didn't know at all or didn't care at all hurt you or pissed you off, you wouldn't care, because who the hell are they? They're not the ones who deserve your hate or your attention.

You hate the person you love because you want them to be different, you want them to be better and not be that bitch or that bastard. In the end, you want them to be the person you love.

Don't say or do something that you don't mean in a fit of rage, often we do or say things that we regret the minute we say or do them. And sometimes that split second is enough to ruin your relationship with that person. A good friend could become an enemy, a family member could become a stranger.

In the end, we're the ones who suffer, not them.

Writing

So, I've started writing again. Not just in my blog but really writing, though I don't know what good there is. It's not like I'll manage to get anything published anyway.

But it is nice really, to see how my writing style has changed. I was quite long winded back then, giving too many descriptions. I still describe loads now, but moderately, and my sentences are less complex and shorter.

I know that for one, I probably won't be able to finish writing before I loose interest or run out of ideas, and two, even if I do finish it, the likelihood of publishing it is most likely zero. But I'll still cross my fingers. Who knows? If it's meant to be, it will be.

Ciao.

Lesson For The Day

This is going to be real short because I have absolutely no idea what to write. Something I realised today while thinking and reading. Maybe I'm not qualified to say this but whenever I read about someone losing control and they always run away, I find myslf thinking, what exactly are you going to accomplish by running away? If you're addicted to something, you don't run away because you feel you'll be a danger to others. You don't push everyone away when they're trying to help you. You have to recognize that you need the people around you to give you strength to fight whatever it is that's controlling you. You need to understand that you're not alone. I've read about so many cases of depression and suicide in which the victim felt no one was there for them. They couldn't see that if only they talked to someone or reach out to someone who loved them, they probably wouldn't have undergone depression or commuted suicide. Often we try to be strong and reject help from others until we've reached our breaking point and just snap. It doesn't have to be that way. Yes, you have to realise that you have a problem in the first place and not deny he fact that you might need help. Needing help doesn't mean that you're weak, it means that you're strong enough to realise that somethings you can't do on your own. So if one day you feel that there's no one who cares, try to reach out and ask for their help so that they know you need them. They're not psychic, they'll only know you news hem only if you tell them. Try it and maybe you won't feel like the world has abandoned you then.

Old Memories

I actually wrote this post when I was waiting for my turn in the driving trial test today, so it's pretty short. Anyway..

Reading back the old SMSes my parents sent to me, as well as my friends, I realise that I have so many people who love me and who care for me. It's the little things like these that make me feel especially loved, like my mother messaging me using my nickname and calling herself 'Mummy', my father sending me jokes and little anecdotes and a little things to think about, or my friends wishing me on my birthday or any special days.

I have kept over a thousand messages that sometimes, when I'm bored, I'll look at those messages and smile when I see my friends telling me she'll kill if I don't pick up the phone, or gossiping about someone or other, or my brother plotting with me to skip tuition classes.

They may seem like mundane, sentimental things to other people but these little things are the things that make me smile at the silliness of my loved ones and make me think of friends lost and gained. And I wouldn't trade them for anything else in the world. This, so much more so than any other things in the world, is bliss.

P.S Amazing picture I found when I typed 'Nature' into Google.

Food For Thought

I know, I know. The Vampire Diaries is only a TV show and I shouldn't get too caught up in it. But seriously, it's given me something to think about.

Most people, including myself, focus on the romantic aspect of the show, either shipping for Elena and Stefan or for Elena and Damon (Yay!). But in reality, there's another relationship that most people neglect or don't pay much attention to, and that's the sibling bond between Stefan and Damon.

Maybe having an older brother myself and being close to him is why I can sort of relate to that aspect. As executive producer Julie Plec said, the real love story is the love between the two brothers. Both of them were torn apart by a woman they both fell in love with, as well as many misunderstandings between them. But even after all that, even after 146 years of Damon hating Stefan, in the end, they both love each other so much because in the end, they only have each other, aptly put by Damon in the episode '1912': 'You're all I've got now.'

Lovers may fight and quarrel and separate. Friends may drift apart. But that bond between two siblings, no matter how many fights you get into, no matter how much you can hate your sibling in that heated moment of anger, in the end you still love them so much because one day, after your parents are gone, after your relatives are gone, all you really have are just your sibling (s). No matter how angry or pissed off you are at them, in the end you forgive them and love them even more for their flaws because you know, without them, you wouldn't be whole; you wouldn't be who you are.

I've always had the urge to protect my brother, even though he's older than I am. Maybe it's because he's just so pure and innocent sometimes, that I don't want the world to taint or mar him in anyway. I consider myself the 'bad' sibling, the one who isn't all that innocent, and that to me, nothing that happens to me is in anyway, at all important compared to anything that happens to him.

I've been fortunate in that I've been very close with my brother, seeing as he's the only sibling I have. We like the same things, the same games, the same movies and we sometimes act so alike we could be twins. We don't need words to communicate sometimes, I can tell what he's going to do even before he moves, and he'll know what I'm thinking even before I speak. He has his flaws though, of course. He can be so stubborn and arrogant and short tempered sometimes, and I always get mad at him when that happens. But damn, he has that way of making you NOT mad at him after he yelled at you. And I just don't have the heart to yell back at him.

Having siblings isn't all that perfect; you fight, you yell, you don't speak to each other and sometimes you say things you don't mean. But at the end of the day, you always forgive each other, knowing that they're going to be the only family you might have left in the future. I would give my life for my brother, I would bring him back from the edge of anything just to see him all right. And no matter how much I get mad at him, I still love him, because he's my brother.

So in a way, I must thank Damon and Stefan for making me realise what I already knew a long time ago. It was already there; I just couldn't see it yet.

Nian Love!!

Urgh, stressful day trying to finish up the assignment due tomorrow. Then I have driving lessons in the morning. How wonderful.

On a brighter note, tomorrow the new Vampire Diaries episode is finally finally out after a way too long hiatus. I want to see what happens!!

BTW, I so, totally love love luuurrrveee Ian Somerhalder and Nina Dobrev together, or as we fans say, 'Nian'. They are such a sweet and cute couple I can't help but go 'Awwww' everytime I see a picture of them together.
Come on, they even share hats! If that's not uber cute I don't know what is.

I really hope they stay together for a long, long, long time and get married.

All together now, 1, 2, 3 'Awwww'

Spring Cleaning

Wait, is it even spring? Anyway, my mom and I came down to KL today to stop by our old house to just spruce it up a little and wait for the gardener to show up and trim the garden. Even before we reached, things didn't go the way we wanted it to.

First, it started raining. Heavily, as in raining cats and dogs. There was no way the gardener could have worked in that weather. Secondly, when we reached, we opened the doors to an absolutely filthy, dusty and cobwebbed filled house. So people, the next time you watch a movie about a house long abandoned and it is shown as old and creaky and dusty and dirty, believe it. It was going to be hell to clean it. And thirdly, the gardener was late. Not 5 minutes late or 20 minutes late. He was an hour and half late. Granted, he couldn't do anything in that weather but still..

So we started to clean up. I was facing my worst nightmare. A house filled with spiders and spider-webs and dead things everywhere. I picked up the mop, started on the kitchen floor and immediately abandoned it to my mother. Then I started to wipe the tables. That was fine until I kept staring at endless cobwebs everywhere. I ended up using the cloth as a whip, whipping at the table and at all the cobwebs I could find. I never want to do that again.

Then something stupid happened. I was wearing those bedroom slippers that hotels and airlines always give you because I did not want to step on anything dead. My mother forgot to tell me that the floor was wet and the moment I stepped on the wet patch, I started flailing about and whirling my hands about before falling flat on my side. My mother later told me she thought I looked like I was going round a roundabout..=.= Gee, thanks mom. But it was a good laugh.

At the end of the day; not really, we were done by 6pm, the gardener had arrived and was done at 7pm, the house was looking decent again, and I was dog tired. And here I am, waiting for my mother to sleep so I can go sleep.

It's been a long day. Ciao.

Random, Yet Again

Finally got my ears pierced, after nearly a decade of my mother asking me to do so. Hurt like hell. Although that probably had to do with the fact that I am a major wuss when it comes to needles or piercing or injections.

Anyway.

I suddenly remembered a favourite TV show of mine, Xena: Warrior Princess. Anyone heard of it before? I watched it when I was just a kid and it was my absolute favourite, although I only watched the first few seasons. I watched Xena even before watching Digimon and Pokemon I think.

I remember thinking that she kicked major butt. I always liked her signature swinging of her sword before fighting, and those circular boomerang-like weapon that she used to throw and cut people and things. I can't remember very well if it was violent though, but I sure enjoyed the action. That goes to show that I was an aggressive person even when I was a kid.

But when I watched some of the videos on YouTube, I saw the sexual side of that show that I, thank goodness, did not watch when I was a kid. I thought Xena was a great role model; I didn't know she slept with so many men including Ares, Hercules, Caesar and others, just to name a few. Whew, thank goodness I missed out on that, or I would have been scarred for life.

Even so, there's a feeling akin to coming home when you take a look back at those television shows you watched as a kid. You sort of compare them to shows these days, and you find something lacking in the new shows, whether it was the hidden values within those shows, or maybe just that simple notion of good vs bad and good always wins. Nowadays, the line between good and bad is so thin, gray areas are getting larger and larger till you don't know what is good or bad.

Maybe Xena wasn't such a suitable show for a kid then, but it sure is so much more modest compared to other shows these days, and less complicated. Maybe that's a sign that a new era is coming, one that we have to adapt to, different from the one we knew and grew up with. Whatever it is, I just hope I'll be able to get through it as myself, and not forget everything that made me who I am.

A Remembered Teacher

The day started out wonderful. It was those kind of days that made you want to curl up into your bed and blankets and not leave. It was raining, mist clouding over the precious mountains surrounding my home. It was cool and calm. It was perfect.

But in the afternoon, I saw something I never thought about, didn't really think about and never expected. An ex-teacher of mine from secondary school had passed away this morning.

I read that she had a disease since last year, possibly cancer. I didn't know that. Yet another soul snatched away by the cruel and harsh hands of cancer.

She used to teach me English when I was in Form 1. She was my first English teacher. I can still remember her always wearing her hair in a bun, always speaking in the most perfect English ever. She was a little strict, but fair. As I liked English, I didn't have much trouble with her classes, and even looked forward to them.

She was only my teacher for a year; when I moved up to Form 2 another teacher taught us English. But I still ran into her sometimes, mostly when I had moved up to Form 4 and 5. I remember she started letting her hair down, and I remember liking her new look; it made her look refreshed and somehow younger.

I only have vague and scarce memories about her. I don't and can not claim to have known her very well as I did other teachers. But she was my teacher, and I had always liked and respected her. You know, she was the first teacher to praise me when I started secondary school. It was nothing big; I had done very well on the mid-term test and she praised my results. It was such a little thing, but it made me so happy, and seeing her smile because of that, that smile of hers and that memory stayed with me till now.

I don't have any flowery phrases or poems to serenade her, nor any elaborate eulogies for her. But all I can say is thank you so, so much Pn Florence, for all that you have taught me. Thank you for putting the effort that you did into teaching us. Thank you for being part of my secondary school life. Thank you for blessing me with that wonderful memory and smile. And most of all, thank you for just being there. I know many of your students will miss you, as will the school. I will too. Rest in peace Pn Florence, you're with God now, and hopefully much more happier.

Celeb sayings??

Seriously, people. I know that we all have our favourite celebrities. But sometimes we take it too far.

On twitter, you refresh and refresh the page and hang on to every tweet they post. You look and comment and retweet everything that they say. That's great, I mean, that gives you a feeling like 'Oh my favourite celebrity is soooo close to his/her fans'.

But sometimes, we hang on too much on what they say. We only pay attention to what they do, not others.

For example, I woke up yesterday and found the Kony 2012 video on Facebook. I was really moved by it and shared it on Facebook and on Twitter.  For the entire day, no one reshared the video or trended about it. The moment celebrities started to tweet about it though, the entire thing went viral. #stopKony started trending, and is still trending on today. That is wonderful, cause that means people are now aware of who he is.

But say if celebrities did not share or tweet or talk about that video, would it have been as viral as it was? Granted, celebrities have an enormous influence on what people think or do. But is it right that we only become concerned about a cause because it has been advocated by that celebrity? Is it right that we ignore the avocations by the normal people, by people like us? The Kony 2012 video wasn't made by celebrities. It wasn't shot by Steven Spielberg or James Cameron or other big-wigs; it didn't have a cast of the hottest celebrities in Hollywood now. It was made by ordinary people, who in my opinion, are far greater heroes than ANY heroic character played by those celebrities in TV.

When someone, someone normal like you and I, asks you to take a little time to watch a video, or look at a picture or read a story that is meaningful, we should stop and take a look. We shouldn't ignore what everyday people are trying to fight for. We shouldn't just pay attention to what celebrities are championing. They may fight for the right things, but it is just a fraction of so many people are trying to fight for.

So please, don't just take in what celebrities are saying. Take a closer look at what your friends on Facebook or Twitter or in real life are talking about. You might find something important. If I hadn't taken a closer look or took the time to watch the video my friend posted on Facebook, I wouldn't have known who Joseph Kony is. And please, for the world, for those children made to be soldiers or killed, for those children who live in constant fear, please take half an hour from 24 hours of your day, to watch and to share this video.

Gratitude

I realised I've never expressed gratitude for what I have, so why not start now?

I'm grateful for my wonderful parents and dear brother whose love I will never trade for another's.

I'm grateful that I have been blessed with a healthy and strong body. Even if I don't have that perfect body, I have a set of perfectly functional and strong arms and legs.

I'm grateful that I have been blessed with a healthy vocal cord, eyes and ears. For without them I may not be able to see the wonderful world and its colours, nor will I be able to hear the beautiful music that is life. I may not have the greatest voice but at least I have a voice to sing and to speak.

I'm grateful that while I am not the prettiest or most attractive girl around, I have been blessed by God to have confidence and faith in myself, and to have the strength to tell myself that I am beautiful no matter what.

I'm grateful that God has seen fit to bless me with a wonderful memory and brain for studying. While I may not be a genius I am grateful that studying comes easier to me. I am grateful that I have the capacity for learning, while some unfortunate souls learn slower than others, and are discriminated by people who think they are far better.

I'm grateful for the wonderful friends that have been in my life. I'm grateful for every little thing they have done and said. They brought so much colour to my life.

I'm grateful for everyone who has come before into my short life, regardless good or bad. Thank you to those who made everything worth living for, and thank you to those who made life hell; because of you I've learnt that I'm stronger than I ever knew.

I'm grateful for life, that I can open my eyes to a brand new day, no matter how bad it may be. I'm grateful that I have the ability to be grateful, to appreciate the things I have right in front of my eyes.

So thank you, for letting me realise that I am so blessed to be who I am.

For The Love of Words

I remember now that I loved writing, still do. I've never been that popular person that everyone is drawn to immediately. Fine by me. But there was a time when I especially felt like an outcast, and writing sort of helped me through that period. Suddenly I could be anything I wanted to be in my writings, I could create anything and anyone I wanted. I was free.

I am by no means a good writer. I'm no J.K Rowling or C.S Lewis or J.R.R Tolkien or Poe or Shakespeare. I'll never be famous through writing, that's for sure. But words are what keeps the child and fire within me alive when everything else fails. I love art and music, but there are times when I can't play music very well and I can't express myself through drawing. But through words, I can tell you everything I feel, everything I want to feel and want to be.

I want to write life, not about life but life itself. I want to weave life between the words that I write. I want people to feel life in whatever I write. I want people to know what life is like, what it looks like, sounds like or even feels like. I want someone who's never seen the mountains clouded over by mist to see the beauty and mystery of that morning veil covering the craggy face of the strong mountains. I want someone who's never run with the wind whistling past their ears to hear the song that the wind sings as it caresses your hair and face gently. I want someone who's never seen the majesty of the ocean to feel and to see the deep, infinite end of the ocean, to smell the salt, that tangy smell that is so uniquely the ocean. I want someone to feel the joy of being reunited with family, at realising you're not alone in this world, at finding out that the person you needed the most was always right there beside you. I want someone who's never had the chance and may never have the chance to fall in love, to feel what it's like to have someone love you and treat you as if you're the most precious thing in the world. I want them to feel as I feel.

Writing may never be a career for me, but it will always be the one thing that remains a constant thing in my life. So as long as I feel, I will never stop writing.

Random?

So I'm supposed to be studying now, but seriously, I do not have the mood to do it..Lol..I'll still study in a while.

My poor, poor Mercedes. Actually my dad's, but I still call it mine, lol. She broke down today, her poor, overused engine couldn't start. Aww, my poor baby. When I saw her driving back into my house I was so happy!! I promise you I won't abuse you baby, I'll treat you like you're the most precious thing in the world!!

Ahem. Anyway. Hmm. I could have sworn there was something I wanted to blog about just now, but I can't remember what it is. But, speaking of blogging, did you notice that even though this is a blog, when you type the word blog while composing a new post, auto correct pegs it as a misspelt word. What the heck..-.-

So, I guess that's all for now. Ciao.

P.S. I wonder if Salvatore Ferragamo is related to the Salvatore brothers. LOL